As February rolls by and Cupid dusts off his bow and arrow, one age-old question surfaces: is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?
This conundrum has been pondered by poets, philosophers, and the heartbroken amongst us since the dawn of time.
That question was answered in print by Alfred Lloyd Tennyson in 1850, when he wrote in his elegy poem In Memoriam; “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
This quote is often cited as evidence that love is worth the risk of heartbreak. But what many may not realise is that it is actually part of a larger passage in which the speaker is mourning the loss of a loved one.
Is Tennyson saying that the pain of heartbreak is worth it for the love that came before it?
Or maybe he’s just saying that it’s better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all because the alternative is living a life without ever having experienced something fantastic, like tasting your favourite food, which let’s say is – pizza.
Even if love comes with its own set of challenges, it’s still worth it because it brings joy and happiness to our lives, similarly, pizza is something that brings joy and happiness to our lives and is worth it even if it’s not healthy for us.
On the other hand, French philosopher, Jean-Paul Sartre, wrote, “Man is condemned to be free.” Sartre believed that we are all free to make our own choices and that we must accept the consequences of those choices, whether they are good or bad.
Is he saying that love is a choice we make and we have to accept the consequences whether it ends up good or bad? Or maybe he’s just saying that we can’t control who we fall in love with, like choosing to date that person who is clearly not right for us, and we have to accept the consequences, like getting our hearts broken, which seems to be my regular modus operandi.
Whether it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, is a matter of perspective, and according to Tennyson, the answer is a resounding ‘yes.’
But let’s be real, Tennyson never had to deal with the heartache of a bad Tinder date on Valentine’s Day.
Love is a complex and multi-faceted emotion that can take on many different forms throughout our life. Some of the most common types of love that we experience include romantic love, familial love, platonic love, and self-love.
It’s romantic love that I’m focussing on in this article. Let’s dive in and explore the pros and cons of that love and loss in our modern age.
It is the type of love that is most often associated with the idea of ‘true love’. It is the intense emotion that we feel when we are in a romantic relationship with someone.
This type of love is characterised by feelings of passion, desire, and commitment, prompting Australians to buy an estimated 10 million red roses for those they love on Valentine’s Day alone.
Romantic love can be incredibly powerful, but it can also be fragile and fleeting.
On the one hand, love can be absolutely wonderful. Who can forget locking eyes with that special someone that immediately causes your heart to flutter, your knees to go weak and your stomach to do somersaults?
Love can be the most exhilarating, fulfilling, and meaningful experience of your life. The butterflies in your stomach, the giddy feeling of seeing your loved one’s face and the euphoria of being in a state of bliss are all experiences that simply cannot be replicated.
It can bring out the best in us and make us kinder, more compassionate and more willing to go the extra mile for others. It makes us feel alive, giving us a sense of purpose and belonging. Love can make you feel like you’re on top of the world, like you can conquer anything.
Remember those amazing feelings that come with being in love, like the rush of adrenaline when you see that special someone, the warm and fuzzy feeling in your chest when they hold your hand, and the butterflies in your stomach when they kiss you. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t love experiencing all those feelings?
Love can also help us to grow and develop as individuals. When we’re in love, we’re generally more open to new experiences, and often more willing to step out of our comfort zones.
We can learn a lot about ourselves, our strengths and our weaknesses from being in love. Hopefully, if we listen and grow from each relationship, we will eventually learn what we want in a partner and what we don’t want. Most importantly, we learn that we can survive heartache and that we can love again.
Love also brings a sense of security and stability to our lives. When we’re in love, we feel like we belong, like we’re part of something bigger than ourselves. Feeling like we have someone to rely on, someone who has our back, no matter what. This sense of security can be invaluable, especially in a world that can often feel chaotic and unpredictable.
It’s no wonder that people have been singing its praises for centuries and there are over 39 million songs online with ‘love’ in the title.
On the other hand, as with any good thing, there are also negatives where love can be incredibly painful. It can make you feel like you’re sinking to the bottom of the ocean, like you’re drowning in a sea of emotions.
Sadly, love can bring out the worst in us too, making us jealous, possessive, and sometimes even violent, which is all too often a reflection of our own insecurities.
Love can be a double-edged sword bringing immense joy, but also immense pain.
Today, the cons of loving and losing can be pretty significant.
The big one is the heartache. Losing someone you love can feel like a physical pain, like someone has ripped your heart out and stomped on it.
And let’s not forget about the emotional pain that comes with it. You may feel like you will never love again. Self-doubt can easily take hold, making you think that you’re not good enough, or you’re not worth loving. This self-loathing is unhealthy and can easily spiral out of control if you don’t get it in check. Learning to self-love is a great way to build your own self-confidence and help you bounce back from heartbreak.
Another downside to loving and losing in the modern world is social media.
In the past, when a relationship ended, you could at least take solace in the fact that you probably wouldn’t have to see your ex’s face again unless you bumped into each other in public.
Now, with the advent of social media, there is every chance you’ll see them plastered all over your social media feeds so it can be almost impossible to escape the constant reminder of your lost love.
You may find yourself scrolling through your ex’s Instagram feed, staring at pictures of them with their new partner, feeling like you’ll never be able to move on.
It is not good for your mental health to try and remain in their life vicariously, that’s why it’s important to try and break that cycle of spying on them. The best way to start is by making a clean break and blocking them from all your social media feeds. Get a friend to help you if you can’t bring yourself to do it.
Love is like a roller coaster – it’s full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and the occasional screaming. But unlike a roller coaster, love doesn’t have a safety bar to grip onto, so hold on tight and enjoy the ride!
However, if you are not happy or find that your love ride is too scary then it is important to know that you do not have to stay in any toxic situation just because you love them.
Which is it for you? Is love worth you risking potential heartache, or is it better to play it safe and avoid love altogether?
For me, while the road of love can be bumpy and unpredictable, it’s a journey that I feel is well worth taking. Despite me not having been lucky in love, I still live in hope that the opportunity will present itself again, and when it does, I’ll go forth and love recklessly again. If I do happen to lose love along the way, then it will be all part of the ride. And who knows? I may just find myself on the highway to an even sweeter destination.
But if it doesn’t work out, I know I can always get a quick sweet fix from a tub of ice cream and have extra time to binge watch Netflix.
Happy Valentine’s Day
Cheers susie
About The Author - Susie Elelman
Susie Elelman is an Australian television presenter, radio broadcaster, and author, most famous for her appearances on daytime television in Australia. She has been an ambassador of the Australian Menopause Centre since 2016 and it is a pleasure to have such an influential figure support our work.